Updated: Jun 12, 2020
There are some days when I just feel head over heels, goo goo gaga in love with my husband. But, scientists say that the euphoric "in love" feeling you get in the beginning of a relationship typically only lasts for 2 years... So why do I after 16 years still feel "in love" with my husband? Do I have a magic love potion? Am I just out right crazy? No, the secret to our love longevity is simple; we fill each other's "Love Tank"! WTH am I talking about?Read my blog about the 5 Love Languages and discover our secret to a love-filled relationship!
The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman
FROM THE BACK OF THE BOOK:
"He sends you flowers when you really want is time to talk. She gives you a hug when what you really want is a home-cooked meal. The problem isn't your love- it's your love language.
In this international best seller, Dr. Gary Chapman reveals how different people express love in different ways. In fact, there are five specific languages of love:
1. Words of Affirmation
2. Quality Time
3. Receiving Gifts
4. Acts of Service
5. Physical Touch
What speaks volumes to you may be meaningless to your spouse. But here, at last, is they key to understanding each other's unique needs. Apply the right principles, learn the right language, and soon you'll know the profound satisfaction and joy of being able to express your love- and feelings truly loved in return.
In this book, the author Gary Chapman explains the relationship between "spouses", but if you don't have a spouse or a partner that's OKAY! The 5 Love Languages are for ALL RELATIONSHIPS! Families, friends, clients, and coworkers. Understanding the 5 Love Languages can significantly improve all of the relationships in your life! It has made a significant impact on my life!
Chapter 1: What happens to love after the wedding
"Most of us grow up learning the language of our parents and siblings, which becomes our primary or native tongue." said Gary Chapman
"If we only speak our primary language and we encounter someone else who only speaks his or her primary language, which is different from ours, our communication will be limited." said Gary Chapman
"If we are to communicate effectively we must learn the language of those with whom we wish to communicate." said Gary Chapman
"We cannot rely on our native tongue if our spouse does not understand it. If we want him/her to feel the love we are trying to communicate, we must express it in his or her primary love language." said Gary Chapman
"We must be willing to learn our spouses primarily love language if we are to be effective communicators of love" said Gary Chapman
Chapter 2: Keeping the love tank full
"Psychologists have concluded that the need to feel love is a primary human emotional need. For love, we climb mountains, cross seas, traverse desert sands, and endure untold hardships." said Gary Chapman
"Child psychologists affirm that every child has a certain basic emotional needs that must be met if he is to be emotionally stable." said Gary Chapman
"Inside every child is an 'emotional tank' waiting to be filled with love." said Gary Chapman
When children and adult's 'emotional tanks' are filled they feel loved. When their tanks are empty they feel unloved.
"Much of the misbehavior of children is motivated by the cravings of an empty 'love tank." said Gary Chapman
When someone's love tank is full they feel love and they give love.
When someone's tank is empty, they feel unloved and won't be able to give love the same way as they would if their tank was full.
Think about a time that you felt completely loved. That feeling you felt is the feeling of a full love tank. What did that feel like?
Chapter 3: Falling in Love
"At its peak, the "in love" experience is euphoric." said Gary Chapman
"The person who is "in love" has the illusion that his beloved is perfect." said Gary Chapman
And that it will last forever.
"Unfortunately, the eternity of the "in love" experience is fiction, not fact." said Gary Chapman
"Dr. Dorothy Tennov, a psychologist, has done long- range studies on the in-love phenomenon. After studying scores of couples, she concluded that the average life span of a romantic obsession is two years." said Gary Chapman
"The euphoria of the "in love" state gives us the illusion that we have an intimate relationship." said Gary Chapman
"When the wave of emotions subsides and we come back to the real world where our differences are illuminated." said Gary Chapman
"Our most basic emotional need is not to fall in love, but to be genuinely loved by another." said Gary Chapman
"WARNING: Understanding the five love languages and learning to speak the primary love language of your spouse may radically affect his or her behavior. People behave differently when their emotional love tank is full." said Gary Chapman
Ready to discover the Five Love Languages?
Chapter 4: Words of Affirmation
The first love language is Words of Affirmation. Words of Affirmation are verbal compliments.
"Best expressed in simple straightforward statements of affirmations." said Gary Chapman
To a person whose primary love language is Words of Affirmation, words are important! Trust me I know this to be true because this is one of my primary love languages.
"If we are to develop an intimate relationship, we need to know each others desires. If we wish to love each other, we need to know what the other person wants." said Gary Chapman
"The object of love is not getting something you want but doing something for the well-being of the one you love. It is a fact, however, that when we receive affirming words we are far more likely to be motivated to reciprocate." said Gary Chapman
If your loved one's love language is Words of Affirmation, here is how you can love them in their language.
Leave a love note
Give a Card
Write a letter
Give a compliment each day. Set a goal to give a different compliment every day.
Compliment in the presences of others.
Say "I Love You" and "Thank You" A LOT
Are compliments hard for you to give?
"Look for your loved ones strengths and tell her how much you appreciate those strengths. Chances are she will work hard to live up to her reputation." said Gary Chapman
Also pay attention to the compliments and words your loved one says to you. Hint: Those are the words they want to hear!
"I can live for two months on a good compliment." Mark Twain
Chapter 5: Quality Time
The second love language is Quality Time. Quality Time is giving someone your undivided attention.
"A central aspect of quality time is togetherness. I do not mean proximity… Togetherness has to do with focused attention." said Gary Chapman
If your loved ones primary love language is Quality Time, here is how you can love them in their language.
Maintain eye contact when the other person is talking.
Don't listen and do something else at the same time.
Refuse to interrupt.
My husbands love language is Quality time, here are the things that we do for quality Quality Time:
Go for a walk together
Eat meals without distractions. (No phones and the T.V. is on a music channel)
Play a game or do a puzzle together.
Go for a drive together.
Cook together (we like to make homemade pasta and try new recipes together)
Hold hands while watching T.V. (and try to stay off of our phones)
Chapter 6: Receiving Gifts
The 3rd love language is Receiving Gifts.
"Gifts are visual symbols of love." said Gary Chapman
"Visual symbols of love are more important to some people than to others." said Gary Chapman
"To the individual whose primary love language is receiving gifts, the cost of the gift will matter little." said Gary Chapman
If your loved ones primary love language is Receiving Gifts, here is how you can love them in their language.
Give candy or flowers.
Make something for a gift.
Offer the gift of presence.
Give a book
Give a living gift like a tree of flowering bush.
If giving gifts is hard for you here is some tips to help:
Make a list of all the gifts the other person has expressed excitement about. Keep a "Gift Idea Notebook."
If you need gift ideas, ask for help from those who know the other person well.
Don't wait for special occasions to give gifts. Give gifts frequently.
"Physical presence in the time of crisis is the most powerful gift you can give."said Gary Chapman
"If the physical presence is important to you, you must verbalize it to the other person. Don't expect them to read your mind." said Gary Chapman
When your loved one's love language is Receiving Gifts, remember "Purchasing gifts for your lover is the best investment you can make." said Gary Chapman
Chapter 7: Acts of Service
The fourth love language is Acts of Service.
Acts of Service is doing something for the other person that you know they would like you to do.
"You seek to please her by serving her, to express your love for her by doing things for her."said Gary Chapman
"Serve one another in love." Galatians 5:13
My primary love language is Acts of Service. Here is how my husband loves me in my language.
Does the dishes.
Takes out the garbage.
Mows the lawn.
Hauls in the grocery from my car.
Brings in firewood and makes a fire when it's cold outside.
If your loved ones primary love language is Acts of Service, here are some tips to make it easier for you to love them in their language.
Make a list of requests the other person has asked you to do and do them as an expression of love.
Periodically ask the other person "If I could do one special act of service this week, what would you request?"
Write on a note card "Today I will show my love for you by…." and complete the sentence with one of the following: going to work, mowing the lawn, vacuuming, washing dishes, taking the dog for a walk, etc.
"People tend to criticize their spouse most loudly in the area where they themselves have the deepest emotional need. Their criticism is an ineffective way of pleading for love." said Gary Chapman
"If your partner is consistently nagging you about something it must be really important to them. If you choose to do it, do it as an expression of love. To your partner, it will be worth more than anything you could buy for them." said Gary Chapman
If you're like me and your primary love language is Acts of Service remember this:
"Requests give direction to love, but demands stop the flow of love." Said Gary Chapman
"Criticism and demands tend to drive wedges." said Gary Chapman
Chapter 10: Physical Touch
The fifth love language is Physical Touch.
"Babies who are held, hugged, and kissed develop a healthier emotional life than those who are left for long periods of time without physical contact." said Gary Chapman
"Physical touch can make or break a relationship. It can communicate hate or love." said Gary Chapman
"If your spouse's primary love language is physical touch, nothing is more important than holding her as she cries. Your words may mean little, but your physical touch will communicate that you care." said Gary Chapman
If your loved ones primary love language is Physical Touch, here is how you can love them in their language.
Touch or play "footsie" under the table.
When the other person is seated, walk up behind them and initiate a shoulder massage.
While riding in car, reach over and touch the other person.
A hug or running your hand along the other person in front of family and friends will earn double emotional points for it says " Even with all of these people around, I see you."
When the other person arrives, meet them one step earlier than usual and give them a big hug.
My husband's other primary language is Physical Touch. So I make an effort to hold his hand and kiss him often. When I do those things in combination of Quality Time, I can fill up his love tank. When his love tank is full, he expresses his love for me in Words of Affirmation and Acts of Service and fills up my love tank!
Chapter 9: Discovering your primary love language
"Discovering the other person's primary love language is essential if you are to keep their emotional love tank full. But first, make sure you know your own love language." said Gary Chapman
To know your own love languages answer these questions:
What is your primary love language?
What makes you feel the most loved?
What do you desire above all else?
If you find it difficult to answer those questions try answering these questions:
What does your partner do or say or fail to do or say that hurts you deeply?
What have I most often requested of my partner?
In what ways do you regularly express love to others?
"Spend some time writing down what you think is your primary love language. Then list the other four in order of importance." said Gary Chapman
Have your loved one take the 5 Love Language test and then together discuss your own love languages and how you can make an effort to speak each other's language.
Here is The 5 Love Language website where you and your loved ones can take the Five Love Language test. www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/
"Once you have shared that information, the author Dr. Gary Chapman suggests that you play a game called "Tank Check," three times a week for three weeks. The game is simply asking the other person "On a scale of 1 to 10, how is your love tank tonight?" Then ask "What can I do to fill your tank?" said Gary Chapman
Asking each other these questions periodically can significantly make a difference in your relationships.
When I first started reading this book, I immediately thought my husband's love languages were Words of Affirmation and Acts of Service because he always does things for me and tells me how much he loves me and how much he appreciates me. But, after finishing this book and taking the love language tests, I discovered that Words of Affirmation and Acts of Service weren't my husband's love languages at all… they're MINE!
His languages are Quality Time and Physical Touch.
(Quality Time is 2nd to last on my list of importance)
Had I not discovered the 5 Love Languages, and my husband's different love language, our relationship could possibly be completely different than it is now. My husband could be feeling unloved by me and I wouldn't have even known.
Chapter 10: Love is a choice
"Love doesn't erase the past, but it makes the future different." said Gary Chapman
"When an action doesn't come naturally to you, it is a greater expression of love." said Gary Chapman
Chapter 11: Love makes the difference
"In order to be a great lover, you must understand that we all speak different love languages. Then you must make the effort to speak the other person's love language to express your love for them or else they won't understand you." said Gary Chapman
Thank you for taking the time to read my personal summary of The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. In highly recommending purchasing this book and reading it for yourself. If you're single check out The Five Love Languages for Singles. Have kids? The Five Love Languages of Children and The Five Love Languages of Teenagers.
For more information check out The Five Love Langues websites: